Embracing Neurodiversity
If your loved one has been identified as autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent, you might be experiencing a range of emotions. Grief, confusion, relief, determination—often all at once. All of these feelings are valid.
This guide is rooted in neurodiversity-affirming principles, which means we see neurodivergence as a natural form of human diversity, not a deficit to fix.
What Does Neurodiversity-Affirming Mean?
A neurodiversity-affirming approach:
- Celebrates differences rather than focusing on "fixing" them
- Presumes competence in all individuals
- Respects autonomy and self-determination
- Prioritizes well-being over compliance
- Values all forms of communication
- Listens to neurodivergent adults and their experiences
This doesn't mean we don't support development. It means we do so in ways that honor who they are.
Shifting Your Lens
From Deficits to Differences
Instead of focusing on what the individual "can't" do, notice what they can do—and what they do differently that might actually be a strength.
| Traditional View | Affirming View | |------------------|----------------| | "Too intense" | Passionate | | "Obsessed with topics" | Deep interests and expertise | | "Won't make eye contact" | Listening in their own way | | "Inflexible" | Values consistency and predictability | | "Socially awkward" | Authentic and honest | | "Sensory issues" | Heightened awareness |
Behavior as Communication
All behavior is communication. When the individual is struggling, ask yourself:
- What are they trying to tell me?
- What need is unmet?
- What is the environment doing to their nervous system?
- How can I help?
This doesn't mean behavior doesn't matter—it means addressing the root cause rather than just the visible behavior.
Practical Support Strategies
Environment
- Reduce sensory overwhelm where possible
- Create predictable routines
- Provide visual supports
- Build in breaks and downtime
- Design spaces for their unique needs
Communication
- Honor all forms of communication (AAC, gestures, behavior)
- Reduce language demands when stressed
- Be literal and clear
- Give processing time
- Ask for their input on decisions that affect them
Regulation
- Co-regulate (stay calm yourself)
- Provide sensory supports they need
- Allow stimming (it's regulating, not "bad behavior")
- Teach about emotions in calm moments
- Create safe spaces for big feelings
Social
- Reframe social "deficits" as differences
- Support connection in ways that work for them
- Don't force neurotypical social expectations
- Facilitate friendships with accepting peers
- Consider neurodivergent peer groups
Supporting Yourself
Caregiver Well-being Matters
You cannot pour from an empty cup. Caring for a neurodivergent individual requires extra energy, advocacy, and emotional labor. Your needs matter too.
Strategies for Caregivers
- Build a support network (other ND families, online communities)
- Seek therapy for yourself if helpful
- Set realistic expectations
- Celebrate small wins
- Take breaks without guilt
- Learn from neurodivergent adults
Managing Grief
Many families experience grief—not because something is wrong with their loved one, but because the future they imagined looks different. This grief can coexist with love and acceptance.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel.
Working with Professionals
Finding Affirming Providers
Look for professionals who:
- Use identity-first language (if that is the preference)
- Don't promise to make the individual "indistinguishable"
- Prioritize well-being and happiness
- Include the individual in goal-setting
- Respect stimming and other regulatory behaviors
- Collaborate with you as an expert
Red Flags
- Focus on compliance over connection
- Excessive hours of therapy
- Punishment-based approaches
- Dismissing distress
- Speaking about the individual negatively in front of them
Your Rights
- You can ask questions about approaches
- You can say no to interventions that don't feel right
- You can switch providers if needed
- You are part of the team
Looking Ahead
The individual has strengths, passions, and unique gifts. With support that honors who they are, they can thrive in their own way.
Connect with neurodivergent adults. Read their perspectives. They have so much to teach us about supporting neurodivergent individuals authentically.
Your loved one is already exactly who they're supposed to be.