Big Feelings Are Not the Problem
When the individual is melting down in the grocery store or hitting their sibling out of frustration, it's easy to see the behavior as the problem. But behavior is communication, and big emotions are a normal part of being human.
Our job isn't to eliminate big feelings—it's to help individuals develop skills to navigate them.
Why Some Individuals Struggle More
Some individuals have nervous systems that are wired to feel things more intensely. This might be related to:
- Sensory processing differences
- Neurodivergence (autism, ADHD)
- Temperament
- Developmental stage
- Environmental factors
None of these are character flaws. They're differences that require understanding and support.
The Co-Regulation Foundation
Individuals learn to regulate their emotions through co-regulation—being supported by calm, attuned adults. Before individuals can self-regulate, they need thousands of experiences of being helped through big emotions.
This means your presence and calm (even when it's hard) is the most powerful tool.
Practical Strategies
In the Moment
- Get on their level
- Reduce words—big feelings make it hard to process language
- Offer your calm presence, not solutions
- Validate the feeling: "You're really disappointed"
- Provide physical comfort if they want it
After the Storm
- Wait until they're truly calm to talk
- Reflect together: "That was really hard"
- Avoid lectures or rehashing
- Reconnect through play or connection
Building Skills Over Time
- Practice regulation strategies when calm
- Create a "calm down toolkit" together
- Use visual supports for identifying emotions
- Notice and name their feelings in everyday moments
- Model your own regulation: "I'm feeling frustrated. I'm going to take some breaths."
What Doesn't Help
- Telling them to "calm down" (they would if they could)
- Dismissing feelings: "You're fine"
- Punishment for big emotions
- Expecting adult-level regulation from an individual
When to Seek Support
If the individual's emotional intensity is:
- Significantly impacting daily life
- Leading to safety concerns
- Not improving with consistent support
- Affecting family relationships
An occupational therapist can help identify underlying sensory or regulatory needs and create an individualized plan.
The individual's big feelings are not a reflection of your parenting. You're both learning and growing together.